03-24-2019, 11:52 AM | #1 |
Equal opportunity joke ofender
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Eastern Shore of MD
Posts: 9,882
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Maxine
As we progress into 2019, I want to thank you for
your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery. I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel. I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed. I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose. Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years. I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet. I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone. I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers. I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up. I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer. And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life. I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down. I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .. Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt. And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over. I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off. If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician! Oh, and by the way... A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late. P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.. NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY…
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Members I have met. Dually Jams, OlBlue60, ScottH, Tommyboy24, Dujobo, Warbucket, 2003 Silverado, Notsolo, my90k5, 6t727t2, Special-K ,Jack_71C10, tabarcus,72blazer_mud_bogger,pwdcougar,RSavage,EricSean,1Rippen6,invicta455,tennaragtop71,arks, Kendal,Bennett68C10, Perpendicular, Chainsawman, McGeesCustomMinis,ShortbedClayton,longblue72,6768chevylover,Tim71,Travisarmenta,Ol' Drippy,fleetmitch,georgieb51,Dave,bcnya2,Dadsburb https://paypal.me/6772GMtruckparts Most women like the strong, silent type… Fortunately for me, my wife prefers the out-of-shape, mouthy type. |
03-24-2019, 12:35 PM | #2 |
Proprietor of Dale's Corner
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Vacaville , CA
Posts: 15,834
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Re: Maxine
I need a brain eraser. .......lol
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"Some Days Chickens And Some Days Feathers" Dale XNGH ECV Sam Brannan 1004 R.I.P. 67ChevyRedneck R.I.P. Grumpy Old Man |
03-24-2019, 12:43 PM | #3 |
"Tail Gate Best Seat In House"
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Nampa Idaho
Posts: 7,342
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Re: Maxine
Gee ! that's a whole bunch of things to make one take a whole bunch of Meds to ease the mind about. funny though..
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When you learn a thing a day you store up smart. |
03-24-2019, 12:52 PM | #4 |
20' Daredevil (Ret)
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Jefferson State
Posts: 13,495
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Re: Maxine
I want my six minutes back...
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- Mike - 1972 K20 LWB 350/350/205 RIP El Jay |
03-24-2019, 12:59 PM | #5 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Orem, Utah
Posts: 7,794
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Re: Maxine
Meh.. a greater percentage of the world's population has access to clean drinking water than ever before in its history... infant mortality rates are at their lowest point in history... more people have access to medical care than at any time in history... food and shelter are more available to more people than at any time in history...
I think we've got it pretty good.
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I have sworn upon the altar of God, eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man. - Thomas Jefferson |
03-24-2019, 01:53 PM | #6 | |
20' Daredevil (Ret)
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Jefferson State
Posts: 13,495
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Re: Maxine
Quote:
Psssstt.....I think it's a joke.....
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- Mike - 1972 K20 LWB 350/350/205 RIP El Jay |
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03-24-2019, 02:11 PM | #7 |
laying low
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Searcy, Ark. USA
Posts: 12,949
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Re: Maxine
Eeeeeeeew! I feel so dirty now. I may have to take a bleach bath.
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Boog 69 Chevy stepside, 358/T350, 4.11 posi, 4.5/4 drop, rallys, poboy driver primer is finer 91 Chevy sportside, Tahoe, Yukon & GMC Crewcab All GM..'nuff said. I stand for the flag and kneel at the cross |
03-24-2019, 05:23 PM | #8 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Orem, Utah
Posts: 7,794
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Re: Maxine
Yeah, I get it. But there are so many people telling us how terrible life is, and it's just not true.
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I have sworn upon the altar of God, eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man. - Thomas Jefferson |
03-29-2019, 04:06 PM | #9 |
blood type; Retumbo
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: next to my reloading bench
Posts: 10,269
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Re: Maxine
don't forget about Alexa listening to everything you say. And HDTV is simply a way for government to watch you.
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Man rule #77...if you own a 67 stepside with a caddy 472 you will never be in danger of loosing you man card |
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