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Old 02-21-2020, 07:58 AM   #1376
richard2717
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Re: Post your keep up with Richard funnies

A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, ...please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now tell me, what the heck would you say?"
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Most women like the strong, silent type… Fortunately for me, my wife prefers the out-of-shape, mouthy type.
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Old 02-21-2020, 11:21 AM   #1377
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Re: Post your keep up with Richard funnies

MY DADDY SLEEPS NAKED

"Late again!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Robbie.
"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this 'un on my Daddy.The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"
Miss Russell had taught grammar school for 30-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Robbie what he meant by that.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Robbie and trouble were old friends but he always told the truth.
"You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox. The last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his double barreled shot gun and said to my Ma, "That fox is back again... I'm a gonna git him!''
"Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids!

"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double-barrelled 12-gauge shotgun through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!"

"Miss Russell, we all been pluckin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!"
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Most women like the strong, silent type… Fortunately for me, my wife prefers the out-of-shape, mouthy type.
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Old 02-21-2020, 11:29 AM   #1378
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Re: Post your keep up with Richard funnies

Quote:
Originally Posted by richard2717 View Post
MY DADDY SLEEPS NAKED

"Late again!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Robbie.
"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this 'un on my Daddy.The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"
Miss Russell had taught grammar school for 30-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Robbie what he meant by that.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Robbie and trouble were old friends but he always told the truth.
"You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox. The last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his double barreled shot gun and said to my Ma, "That fox is back again... I'm a gonna git him!''
"Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids!

"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double-barrelled 12-gauge shotgun through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!"

"Miss Russell, we all been pluckin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!"
That's a good one
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Old 02-21-2020, 11:38 AM   #1379
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Re: Post your keep up with Richard funnies

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Old 02-21-2020, 12:40 PM   #1380
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Re: Post your keep up with Richard funnies

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Old 02-21-2020, 12:40 PM   #1381
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Old 02-21-2020, 01:42 PM   #1382
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Re: Post your keep up with Richard funnies

310.
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Old 02-21-2020, 04:16 PM   #1383
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Old 02-21-2020, 04:51 PM   #1384
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Old Yesterday, 04:46 PM   #1385
richard2717
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Re: Post your keep up with Richard funnies

So I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the lady behind me honked at me and flipped me off because I was taking too long to order.

So I paid for her food.
I moved up and she leaned out the window looking all crazy at me because the cashier told her I paid for her food. She felt embarrassed.

When I got to the second window to get my food, I showed them both receipts and took her food too!

I paid for it, it’s mine! Now she has to wait even longer.

She's gonna learn today!
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Most women like the strong, silent type… Fortunately for me, my wife prefers the out-of-shape, mouthy type.
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Old Yesterday, 05:18 PM   #1386
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Re: Post your keep up with Richard funnies

During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level. He described a typical day this way:

Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.

Inspired by the story, the doctor said,You must be one heck of an outdoorsman!

NAH,he replied,I'm just a crappy golfer.
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Most women like the strong, silent type… Fortunately for me, my wife prefers the out-of-shape, mouthy type.
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Old Yesterday, 09:16 PM   #1387
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Re: Post your keep up with Richard funnies

Quote:
Originally Posted by richard2717 View Post
So I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the lady behind me honked at me and flipped me off because I was taking too long to order.

So I paid for her food.
I moved up and she leaned out the window looking all crazy at me because the cashier told her I paid for her food. She felt embarrassed.

When I got to the second window to get my food, I showed them both receipts and took her food too!

I paid for it, it’s mine! Now she has to wait even longer.

She's gonna learn today!
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Old Yesterday, 09:22 PM   #1388
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Re: Post your keep up with Richard funnies

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Old Today, 09:35 AM   #1389
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Re: Post your keep up with Richard funnies

Quote:
Originally Posted by richard2717 View Post
So I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the lady behind me honked at me and flipped me off because I was taking too long to order.

So I paid for her food.
I moved up and she leaned out the window looking all crazy at me because the cashier told her I paid for her food. She felt embarrassed.

When I got to the second window to get my food, I showed them both receipts and took her food too!

I paid for it, it’s mine! Now she has to wait even longer.

She's gonna learn today!
This inspires me, look out people I have a new trick up my sleeve...
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Old Today, 11:35 AM   #1390
richard2717
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Re: Post your keep up with Richard funnies

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This inspires me, look out people I have a new trick up my sleeve...
I feel like my life is complete now
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Most women like the strong, silent type… Fortunately for me, my wife prefers the out-of-shape, mouthy type.
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Old Today, 03:02 PM   #1391
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