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Old 03-30-2020, 11:24 AM   #1576
Richard2112
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Re: Post your keep up with Richard funnies

Quote:
Originally Posted by davischevy View Post
I sang this to my wife. She told me to go social distance.
Haha! Glad you enjoyed that!
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Old 03-31-2020, 09:21 AM   #1577
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Re: Post your keep up with Richard funnies

I still haven't decided where to go for easter
the living room or the bedroom.
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Old 03-31-2020, 09:23 AM   #1578
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Re: Post your keep up with Richard funnies

for those weddings that have been cancelled
you have been given a second chance
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Old 03-31-2020, 09:30 AM   #1579
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Re: Post your keep up with Richard funnies

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I still haven't decided where to go for easter
the living room or the bedroom.
Easter for us will be split between the kitchen and the table.
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Old 04-01-2020, 07:40 AM   #1580
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Re: Post your keep up with Richard funnies

....
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Old 04-01-2020, 11:41 AM   #1581
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Re: Post your keep up with Richard funnies

Carol bernett toilet paper scene cant embed the video

https://youtu.be/1iK9Jeqtfck
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Old 04-01-2020, 12:31 PM   #1582
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Re: Post your keep up with Richard funnies

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....
alfred hitchcock episode martha mason, movie star

Quote:
Originally Posted by 72c20customcamper View Post
Carol bernett toilet paper scene cant embed the video

https://youtu.be/1iK9Jeqtfck
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Old 04-01-2020, 12:36 PM   #1583
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Re: Post your keep up with Richard funnies

Who's laughing now.
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Old 04-01-2020, 01:43 PM   #1584
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Re: Post your keep up with Richard funnies

So I woke up My dog is laying on the back patio covered in dirt with a rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit's not bloody, just dirty. My neighbor's kids raise blue ribbon rabbits. I instantly knew it was one of theirs. So I took the rabbit away from my dog, rushed inside, and washed all the dirt off it before my neighbors could come home. It was stiff but I heard some animals play dead when they are afraid but I couldn't remember which ones. I took it and placed it back in one of the cages in their back yard then I ZOOMED back home. Not 30 minutes later I hear my neighbors screaming so I go out and ask them what's wrong? They tell me their rabbit died three days ago and they buried it but now it's back in the cage.
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Old 04-01-2020, 04:47 PM   #1585
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Re: Post your keep up with Richard funnies

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(You're gonna love this.)

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You sang it, didn't you? Yeah, I know you did.)

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Old 04-01-2020, 09:39 PM   #1586
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Re: Post your keep up with Richard funnies

Stay outta dem stoes. You catch sumpin
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Old 04-01-2020, 10:15 PM   #1587
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Re: Post your keep up with Richard funnies

That’s far enough.
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Old 04-01-2020, 10:50 PM   #1588
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Re: Post your keep up with Richard funnies

Guess what I use the coffee filters for now?

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Old 04-02-2020, 09:30 AM   #1589
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Re: Post your keep up with Richard funnies

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Guess what I use the coffee filters for now?

Attachment 1997272











.
Filtering coffee?

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Old 04-02-2020, 12:07 PM   #1590
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Re: Post your keep up with Richard funnies

Do you fart in bed ?
If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I’ll pray for you. This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning
she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in…….............…..”
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Old 04-02-2020, 12:08 PM   #1591
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Re: Post your keep up with Richard funnies

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That’s far enough.
looks like it may happen though

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Old 04-02-2020, 12:27 PM   #1592
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Re: Post your keep up with Richard funnies

Keep up with Richard???? Some are easy to keep up with

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But not Richard

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Old 04-02-2020, 12:43 PM   #1593
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Re: Post your keep up with Richard funnies

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Old 04-02-2020, 12:54 PM   #1594
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Re: Post your keep up with Richard funnies

Oh ho ho ho no...... That is aw-ful
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Old 04-02-2020, 03:31 PM   #1595
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Re: Post your keep up with Richard funnies

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Keep up with Richard???? Some are easy to keep up with

Attachment 1997359

But not Richard

Attachment 1997360
We were heading to a Boy Scout camp in the Santa Monica mountains and turned off Sunset Blvd just before that entourage went by. Man, I'd've been pretty ticked off if I'd had to wait for it to end. We didn't know what was going on at the time, and didn't find out until we got home and watched the news.
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Old 04-02-2020, 04:56 PM   #1596
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Re: Post your keep up with Richard funnies

The Middle Wife'

by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.

They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there in the first place.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's Show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.
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Old 04-02-2020, 05:22 PM   #1597
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Re: Post your keep up with Richard funnies

...
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Old 04-02-2020, 08:34 PM   #1598
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Re: Post your keep up with Richard funnies

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looks like it may happen though

.
This business is getting out of control. There will be grounds shed! Too late...

No wait! This is grounds for legal action.
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Old 04-03-2020, 07:38 AM   #1599
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Re: Post your keep up with Richard funnies

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111
Who puts cereal in the fridge? Seems like a waste of valuable fridge space.
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Old 04-03-2020, 12:29 PM   #1600
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Re: Post your keep up with Richard funnies

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