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Old 02-17-2019, 09:46 AM   #1
rusty76
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Time to Vent

So I need to vent. I don’t do Facebook so you guys are my Facebook. So my stepson came home this weekend from the Army. I’m glad to see him and have him home. Hadn’t seen him since Christmas. He came in late Thursday night. He stayed with his grandparents Thursday night and Friday morning. Anyhow he sent me text at two o’clock in the morning wanting to use my truck Friday. Personally I was ok with it but last time he was in town he used my truck and out of four days we might have seen him maybe two hours. Hurt his mothers feelings and left a nasty taste in my mouth. So when he asked about Friday I said no I need the truck which was true.

Friday afternoon he texted me wanting to use it again so he could do Valentine’s Day stuff with his girlfriend. I told him he could but we needed to talk first. He shows up with his girlfriend. His girlfriends mom dropped them off. I r minded him of how he treated us the last time and that will not happen again. He agreed.

I’m very fair and just. I really didn’t have to do it seeing that he has a dad with two cars he could’ve borrowed, you would think. Then on top of that I have always provided for him. I provided a car which he treated like crap but he couldn’t live without it when he got his drivers license. All the food, movies,games and so much more his real dad never did for him. All the practices I took him to.

Anyhow we made plans to have breakfast with him this morning. Seven o’clock we told him Also let him know I wanted the truck home by 12 midnight. I woke up this morning at three. Looked out the window and no truck. Well you can guess how I feel. He texted at four this morning, “I fell asleep and didn’t set an alarm.” Same bull as last time. Really? He woke his mom up and honestly made it worse. It really ticks me off. He didn’t show up for breakfast and we saw him for a whole hour at dinner time.

So yeah I’m a little deterred. I tried not to be but we keep getting stepped on and I’ve had enough. I know he’s 19 and thinks he’s in love but I know better. When he needs something he calls his mom and we handle it. He never calls his dad for anything. Which in some ways I’m grateful and aggravated at the same time for. He’ll call his mom needing twenty bucks. He’s in the Army I’ll say but we help him. I think he’s burned this bridge pretty hard.

I love the boy like my own son. I’m very proud of him. Was actually relieved to hear he was enlisting in the Army considering his choices in high school. He’s smart and an all around nice guy. Hard headed as hell but who wasn’t at 19. Thanks for letting me vent. Scheww I’m tired.
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Old 02-17-2019, 10:06 AM   #2
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Re: Time to Vent

You handled it as good as anyone could .. Sometimes,, one has to just do as you did ,,vent ,,and then take it one day at a time.. I think in time when he gets a bit older he will let you know how much he appreciated all you and his mom had done for him ..
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Old 02-17-2019, 10:37 AM   #3
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Re: Time to Vent

He just came home and just left. Dropped some stuff off and hopped in the car with his girlfriend. Didn’t apologize or anything. We spoke a few words about what he did last night and that was it. Well I got my truck back. Probably on empty though. Lol.
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Old 02-17-2019, 11:26 AM   #4
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Re: Time to Vent

I don't know why he has to borrow anything from you. He's an adult, with an income being provided by the military. Seems he is old enough to rent a vehicle for personal use.
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Old 02-17-2019, 11:38 AM   #5
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Re: Time to Vent

Well we looked into him renting a car but he has to be 21. Don’t ask me why.
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Old 02-17-2019, 12:02 PM   #6
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Re: Time to Vent

When I met my wife, her daughter was 4. I adopted her at 5. For years, I wasn't "Dad" to her really, but like you, towed the line and did what I thought was right. Over the years when things would go South for her, I was the first one she came to. The drugs, boys and school issues took a pretty heavy toll on me. Never gave up though. Then at 17 she ran away and moved an hour away. I took the car but against my wife's wishes kept paying the phone. I knew if I stopped the phone, we'd likely never see her again.

One day at work, I get a call. It was her, in tears after her and her boyfriend just got kicked out on their arses in front of a house in East O Town. They wouldn't have lasted the evening.

Went and picked them and their stuff up, brought them home here and put them up for a month. Within that month, they got jobs and in another 2 weeks had a place to live. Damn I hated that boy!

Fast forward to now. We've never been closer. She's 24, still with the same knucklehead but living in the same place. She's a nanny for a doctor and a lawyer making nearly what I do. She's in school studying children's comm disorders when she's not working and getting great grades. The boy and I had nearly gone to blows on two occasions in the past, but both of us have mellowed. He comes to me for job advice these days. His parents aren't around. Its kinda like adopting 2 kids. He works his tail off as a rental equip mechanic and is lucky to have one day off a week. He keeps my daughter happy and about the only fault I can find with him is that he's a Green Bay fan.

My point to the whole dissertation is to keep on doing what you think is right and fair. Speak your mind when you need. Sometimes they don't ever come around, sometimes they do. At least you know that you did your best even if you did take it on the chin for most of the time.

I love all four of my kids to death and I wouldn't take a bazillion dollars for any one of them......I also wouldn't give a wooden nickel for another on though

Hang in there bud.
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Old 02-17-2019, 12:13 PM   #7
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Re: Time to Vent

I realize he hasn't given you much time to talk to him however, I usually tell stories to younger guys/girls rather than telling them what to do. Maybe of me, or of someone else who screwed up whatever, but I don't tell the kid "your screwed up". They'll reject it in their mind and fight it. I've had much success in this manner and have had people come back to me and thank me for helping them. Now there's always one who won't listen and bang his head on the wall but that's humanity. Just a thought, good luck cause I know it's tough dealing with younger people. They don't have the life experience you do and it's all exciting, or too big to handle or whatever. They have to grow up too. Eventually the worm will turn.
When I was a young man I had a Senior Chief named Nick Nickson (who has since passed). He was black and used to introduce himself "Nick Nickson - No relation"
He worked on me like he was my dad, and with good reason. Years latter when I made Chief I went to see him at his home and thanked him for his help, ya he was rough on me when he needed to be. But he was my dad more than anyone had been. Poor guy, he didnt have any gray hair when he met me.
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Old 02-17-2019, 12:47 PM   #8
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Re: Time to Vent

They can be challenging. Im convinced the more you do, the more you will get stepped on. However, how can you not do for them?
It sounds like your big issue, is your son not respecting the needs of his mother. I've been down that path for sure. Realize a mother, child bond is stronger than anything and you may potentially be the bad guy if you vent to your wife.
As men we are bred to fix things, wether it is an old truck or a family member. My experience, by trying to expect a child respect their mothers feelings is a very hard path to take. The child does but mom is easy to take advantage of because she always forgives and rarely says boo to defend herself. At least she doesn't to the child but probably to you she does. Then you feel you are to fix it.
He will come around soon, probably in the next couple years he will get it. Meanwhile, if your wife is hurt or complaining just remind her he is young and he will get better. My advise is don't try to fix it. Expesially by putting the hammer down even though that is what every fiber in your body is proabably telling you to do.
Please keep in mind I am just another stooge that has learned the hard way and now full of free advise. All disclaimers apply! Lol.
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Old 02-17-2019, 12:56 PM   #9
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Re: Time to Vent

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Rocknrod View Post
I realize he hasn't given you much time to talk to him however, I usually tell stories to younger guys/girls rather than telling them what to do. Maybe of me, or of someone else who screwed up whatever, but I don't tell the kid "your screwed up". They'll reject it in their mind and fight it. I've had much success in this manner and have had people come back to me and thank me for helping them. Now there's always one who won't listen and bang his head on the wall but that's humanity. Just a thought, good luck cause I know it's tough dealing with younger people. They don't have the life experience you do and it's all exciting, or too big to handle or whatever. They have to grow up too. Eventually the worm will turn.
When I was a young man I had a Senior Chief named Nick Nickson (who has since passed). He was black and used to introduce himself "Nick Nickson - No relation"
He worked on me like he was my dad, and with good reason. Years latter when I made Chief I went to see him at his home and thanked him for his help, ya he was rough on me when he needed to be. But he was my dad more than anyone had been. Poor guy, he didnt have any gray hair when he met me.
This is great advise. My grandmother was the master of using this strategy. I never did anything wrong but so & so did that and this is what happened. I think she used this strategy daily with me and my two siblings. She has been gone for 25 years and still is the most revered relative to us three.
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Old 02-17-2019, 02:41 PM   #10
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Re: Time to Vent

Thanks for the comments and advice. I do love the boy and honestly we’ve been through the ringer. I’m usually the voice of reason on several different accounts. I was talking with my father in law today about the situation and he said to me he was worried if he let him use his truck he’d do the same to him. I’ve used all the tactics above to help teach and persuade him in a better direction. I wanted to see him go to college but I knew he wasn’t cut for a four year deal. I told him community college, military or get a real job. I’m not allowing him to just sit around and play video games. He came to us last November and said he’s joining the Army. He didn’t want us to meet the recruiter or go to MEPS with him either. My wife got ahold of the recruiter and they talked on the phone. We did go to MEPS twice with him. His dad never went to MEPS to see him swear in but “wanted pics and videos”.

We have a good relationship and honestly his not been horrible. He’s just hard headed and has find out for himself. The recruiter filled his young head with crap and now he’s realizing just maybe he should’ve thought a little harder. All in all he’s a good young man. We just got to wether through the muddy stuff. Thanks again.
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Old 02-17-2019, 03:45 PM   #11
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Re: Time to Vent

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I don't know why he has to borrow anything from you. He's an adult, with an income being provided by the military. Seems he is old enough to rent a vehicle for personal use.
How about this idea?

Seems he is old enough to provide his future wife with an automobile.
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Old 02-17-2019, 05:34 PM   #12
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Re: Time to Vent

You say he's in the Army. What's his rank? Even if he is a private E-1, he's pulling in $1680 per month, and he has basically zero living expenses, since his housing, meals, medical care, etc. are paid for. It's time to grow up, and if the Army can't help him do that, he's in trouble.

I've had to force some of my children to grow up once they became adults. It's not always pleasant at first, but once they get over the initial shock and realize that you love them but you're not a free ride they'll come around.
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Old 02-17-2019, 08:32 PM   #13
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Re: Time to Vent

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You say he's in the Army. What's his rank? Even if he is a private E-1, he's pulling in $1680 per month, and he has basically zero living expenses, since his housing, meals, medical care, etc. are paid for. It's time to grow up, and if the Army can't help him do that, he's in trouble.

I've had to force some of my children to grow up once they became adults. It's not always pleasant at first, but once they get over the initial shock and realize that you love them but you're not a free ride they'll come around.
Woah big fella it cost money to party and chase girls.
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Old 02-17-2019, 09:16 PM   #14
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Re: Time to Vent

One thing this site has over FB is the fact that he won’t be reading your rant and you can express yourself. Sorry you’re going through this- tough situation. Good advice above. Sounds like he needs to grow up a little. If he asks to borrow your truck again, l would state a consequence if he doesn’t return it on time (he won’t be borrowing it again for the next 6 months??). I’m sure the Army doesn’t put up with irresponsible behavior. He may be bitter about it initially, but he’ll come around eventually
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Old 02-17-2019, 10:02 PM   #15
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Re: Time to Vent

I have to say I kinda thought the Army would change him some. Like being responsible and taking charge. I’m not so sure. He got his girlfriend a puppy last night. He’d always wanted a puppy but I wouldn’t let him have one because I’d be the one taking care of it. So now he’ll be heading back to base and his girlfriends parents will likely be stuck with the dog. I feel bad for them. I’ve never met her parents but I imagine they weren’t happy.

Over the years I’d have to put consequences in to action and so on. Problem with disciplining a child with separated parents is that if one isn’t onboard with the punishment it’s a frugal waiste of time. I’d ground him. Take away the car and so on. But he’d go off to his dads and it was like nothing happened. Then he’d come home and we’d go back to square one. Uphill battle and butting heads.

I can tell you we saw him today for lunch. That was an whole hour. Glad we got to see him but I’m ready for him to go back to base. Maybe in a few months I’ll be ready to see him again. Things will be different. He’s going to have to budget his money better. We will be having a very nice conversation in the morning at breakfast. By the way he was pissed my wife told him to be home by 12 so he could get some rest and get his stuff together for his return trip tomorrow. Life is tough huh.

Thanks again for all the comments.
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Old 02-17-2019, 11:16 PM   #16
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Re: Time to Vent

My "ex" son in law is in the Navy and was when they got married. I did not serve and was proud he was. I think my expectations were high and probably to high. He of course had some growing up to do but I figured the Navy would take care of that. Unfortunately, it didn't happen. Over half of his pay was spent on x box gaming and when he got in money problems his mother would secretly bail him out.
Long story short, it wasn't meant to be and he decided he wanted a divorce. He sent my daughter and their new born son home to me and my wife and I supported both of them for about a year until she got on her feet. I think he is still behind on the initial child support because he can't manage money even after a couple promotions and higher pay.
I did wish his dad would kick him in the teeth but I found out to late he was just glad his son wasn't his problem anymore. I guess what I'm saying is don't expect his service to whip him into shape. Hopefully he will get it and it sounds like he will with you trying as you are.
I have all respect for those who serve and I'm confident most succeed and deserve that respect and much more. It just isn't automatically the answer for all though.
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Old 02-17-2019, 11:34 PM   #17
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Re: Time to Vent

When my girls were growing up my wife and had some conflicts on how much to help our kids. She got tired of hearing me say "doing without builds character". It can be hard making kids do for themselves, but in the long run they will be better for it.


The extra parent thing really makes it hard. I have observed several divorced friends over the years, and the kids learn to manipulate the parents and use them against each other. I wish I knew how to prevent that, but I'm not sure it can be done.


The main thing is to remember the difference between helping and enabling. If kids love us all the time, we are not doing our job.
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Old 02-18-2019, 05:27 PM   #18
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Re: Time to Vent

Thanks again. I know in my heart he’s a good young man. He does have a big heart and loves his family. He left today to return to his base. My wife told me over breakfast the same thing I was thinking, “I worry more with him here than I do when he’s away.” I hate we didn’t get to spend much time together but maybe a blessing in disguise. It’ll all work out one way or another. He’s got a ton of growing up to do but who didn’t at 19. I’m proud of the ole boy hopefully he’ll keep his nose to the grind. Thanks again.
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Old 02-18-2019, 10:05 PM   #19
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Re: Time to Vent

I saw a cool t shirt a while back. It said "mommin ain't easy!!" I say "parenting ain't easy". It's not for everybody. You raise them as best you can but you cannot live their life for them. Teach them well and some of it will stick, some of it they will catch onto later.
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Old 02-18-2019, 10:55 PM   #20
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Re: Time to Vent

You are handling the situation well. I am not sticking up for this guy at all but one thing people don't realize about military life is getting pulled in 400 directions when you are home. Parents want to see you, friends, girl friend, etc etc. It takes a little time to get used to and figure out how to meet those obligations. Stay firm and just remember that he will come around if he was half way straightened out when he went in. I went through this initially and then I had to go through it again when I got married. The wife always wanted to go home for Christmas. The only thing good that came from that was I wasn't at work. Seemed like the whole family was always pissed because you didn't make the effort 24 hours a day to spend time with them. Sorry folks but we drove 1500 miles, came and saw everyone individually, and then set up times to be available where we were staying. So there is a military guys perspective from both sides. Hang in there.

As far as E1 pay goes. It doesn't get you very far. You left home and recieved a sea bag full of work clothes. Now you are trying to save up for that first apartments rent (first and last) along with deposit, money for furnishings, all while trying to have a life also. Yes it is a good amount of money but there sure isn't the get a few things from the parents house. Then there is the car. Even if you have one what state is it in? The bank hates to give you a loan on a used one and tries to rope you into a new car loan. I remember the bank trying to give a 26% rate for a used car and I had good credit for my age.
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Old 02-19-2019, 12:19 PM   #21
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Re: Time to Vent

I've been the prodigal son returning home that everyone wants the attention of (long ago) and I've been the parent longing to spend time with the long-departed kid, so I've done it from both sides.

I think the best you can do is say something to the effect of "Look, it's not about the truck, its just there are people here that want and need to spend time with you, and you're not making yourself very available, and the more convenient it is to take off the less we'll see of you, which isn't what we want.

How do we make everyone happy here and make sure your mom gets enough time with you?"

I think presented honestly like that the guy then has a choice to make, and you just live with their choice as "That's the way this person is". If they know the deal and still choose to blow mom off, just gotta live with that until they mature, change, or don't.
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Old 02-19-2019, 02:36 PM   #22
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Re: Time to Vent

I have lived through this same scenario.

I was the kid.
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Old 02-19-2019, 05:52 PM   #23
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Re: Time to Vent

I think I was that ungrateful little bastard when I served 30+ years ago. I'd come home on leave and only used my parents house as a crash pad to catch some free food, sleep and a shower. I had my own ride and money however.
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Old 02-20-2019, 06:22 PM   #24
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Re: Time to Vent

Thanks again. I know he’s been pushed and pull in different directions especially when he gets home. If there is a saving grace here is that my wife has Facebook and has been using the support groups from day zero on getting through basic to now. We were told not to expect him to stay home much. They were right, but I did expect to see him a tad more. I know in my heart it’s a growing up thing. He wants to get married to this girl and do this or that. I’ve talked with him and gave him all the advice I can. He’ll figure it out soon enough. Thanks again.
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Old 02-20-2019, 06:27 PM   #25
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Re: Time to Vent

Never let him borrow your truck. He will wreck it and you will hate him for it. Just tell him, sorry, no one drives my truck but me.
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