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Old 11-20-2018, 11:11 PM   #1
In The Ten Ring
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Probably lost a friend Saturday.

One of my closest friends called me Saturday. I could tell something was off. He abruptly changed the subject telling me he was breaking it off with his girlfriend. Problem with that is they've lived together for 10 years and he'd raised her child that she had by another man.

Really big problem is he volunteered he'd been hitting them both.

I am very fond of the little girl, having taken her skiing, shooting, etc. and I had even volunteered to adopt her if something happened to them both. I was nearly beside myself with anger he'd hurt her.

He said things like "he's tired of them," "doesn't know why he hits them," "maybe if they move out he won't hit them again."

I sought advice from some people I trust, including a state prosecutor, who supplied the hotline to Child Protective Services. The next day, I made the report.

More and more I think he wanted me to call because he has to know I report anything illegal I see to police. Basically anyone or anything I cannot handle myself I report to police---he has to know that. I think it was a desperate call for help.

I held it together pretty well during the report but broke down at the last bit and cried. The tears continued after the call ended. I don't want to say "never" but I suspect my friendship with him has ended. There is simply no reason to hit your loved ones, certainly no reason to hit a 9 year old in the face.
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Old 11-20-2018, 11:15 PM   #2
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Re: Probably lost a friend Saturday.

No doubt you did the right thing...
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Old 11-20-2018, 11:22 PM   #3
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Re: Probably lost a friend Saturday.

Just be ready. He may stop by. Anyone who would hit a little girl is diseased in the head.
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Old 11-20-2018, 11:37 PM   #4
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Re: Probably lost a friend Saturday.

If you hadn't reported it you would be complicit. You did the right thing.

You may have lost a friend, but you helped a child. That's the greater good.
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Old 11-20-2018, 11:51 PM   #5
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Re: Probably lost a friend Saturday.

You absolutely did the right thing.....and that now affords him the opportunity to do the right thing.
That being, take his lumps.....get some counselling and therapy and get to the root of the problem so that he can fix it.
Then that provides a possible opportunity down the road for him, ....when he has settled this....to hopefully give you a call and thank you for helping him.

Regardless, hang in there...again, you did the right thing for him and those girls.

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Old 11-20-2018, 11:59 PM   #6
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Re: Probably lost a friend Saturday.

Thanks guys. I shouldn't have needed any advice but I was just in shock. This guy was the most laid-back person you could imagine.

Thanks for the warning 71 although that occurred to me too.

I do not appreciate faceless accusers, anytime I phone something in I leave my name and info with it. If they decide to arrest, I will answer the call to testify.

I kept thinking "maybe I misheard him, maybe he didn't really say that." But no, he said it and he didn't seem to care. He didn't act the least bit sorry about it. I knew driving up there and beating him senseless wouldn't help, calling it in was the only thing to be done.

He's a federal worker with a security clearance....well, maybe not for long.

The CPS worker asked if he took drugs or was an alcoholic. I know he used to drink often in the past...more and more I think such a sudden character shift indicates drug/alcohol addiction.
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Old 11-21-2018, 12:21 AM   #7
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Re: Probably lost a friend Saturday.

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He's a federal worker with a security clearance....well, maybe not for long.
His clearance will likely be suspended pending the outcome of an investigation. He may be offered alternative work during the suspension, or he may not. Either way, HE is the one who is responsible, not you.
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Old 11-21-2018, 02:27 AM   #8
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Re: Probably lost a friend Saturday.

It's not a sudden change just because he finally told you what he has been doing. Abusers are not always people you think of as crappy and mean all he time. Some of the nicest, acting, people in public are abusing someone at home. And many are not alcohol or drug users
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Old 11-21-2018, 02:42 AM   #9
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Re: Probably lost a friend Saturday.

Dang, I never thought of that. I hadn't been up there for a visit in a year but yeah, that's entirely possible. So many angles to this I haven't thought of.

I clearly don't know the guy.....the more I think about it, maybe I never did.
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Old 11-21-2018, 03:00 AM   #10
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Re: Probably lost a friend Saturday.

Very likely he was abused, learned behavior.
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Old 11-21-2018, 05:31 AM   #11
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Re: Probably lost a friend Saturday.

you did the right thing no doubt. and he likely will not forgive you for turning him in, but its also likely that he wanted your help to stop. Its also quite possible that while you knew him very well, he may have developed a mental illness that has not yet been diagnosed. he may or may not realize it himself if that is the case. mental illness doesn't always make sense in the way it shows itself. you just have to hang on to the fact that you did the right thing for his family and for him. i hope that if i ever go down the wrong road like he did, that i have friends with the strength to do whats right , the way that you did for them. best of luck to you sir and god bless you for putting their welfare first.
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Old 11-21-2018, 07:28 AM   #12
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Re: Probably lost a friend Saturday.

I'm thinking we've all seen this type of thing happen before and it's not always mental illness that brings these type of issues , Guy's just need to really think about getting involved with a single mom before they do and make sure they are in it for all the right reasons and in it for the long haul . It's just not a good thing for anyone to have to go through any of this . You did the right thing , I'm of the mindset that I would be the first to put a smack down on any guy who raises their hand against a woman or child .

Dating ,Living together or married if it's so bad that it comes to violence it's time to pack your bags and leave before someone does it for you .
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Old 11-21-2018, 05:19 PM   #13
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Re: Probably lost a friend Saturday.

Grumpy,

I tried to talk him out of even dating that girl and tried even harder to stop him from letting her move in when she got pregnant while cheating on him. You just cannot raise someone else's kids! I saw that with my sister.

The child often resents you.

The mother will never let you discipline the child.

The real father will ALWAYS be involved.

My friend said during the phone conversation Saturday that "her real dad wants to spend time with her now. I guess he's making a lot of money and bought a big boat." I got the impression my friend felt threatened by that.

I am going to call here in a bit to see if CPS has acted on the report. I am rather fearful I'm going to hear something bad on the news.

The guy lives some 300 miles from me, me going up there myself isn't possible since my mother has gotten to the state she is in.

*Called CPS, they won't release anything to me.
**Too fearful to call the guy, might set him off.

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Old 11-21-2018, 06:44 PM   #14
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Re: Probably lost a friend Saturday.

I have a 40 year old son and a 38 year old daughter. They are not mine from birth, but pretty young... 3 1/2 and 1 1/2 years old. Yes you can raise someone else's kids. People do it all he time with success.
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Old 11-21-2018, 07:18 PM   #15
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Re: Probably lost a friend Saturday.

It's good to read it worked for you but everything I've read on it, including two books on the subject, advised quite the opposite.

Which is very sad you know, that bad results are common enough to be a stereotype.
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Old 11-21-2018, 07:22 PM   #16
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Re: Probably lost a friend Saturday.

I have several friends that married with children...raised them like they were their own...kids have turned out great...I think it's alot how the step parent was raised....there's so many single parent homes now it's hard to find one without kids...
But there's also the dark side...
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Old 11-21-2018, 07:25 PM   #17
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Re: Probably lost a friend Saturday.

Dark sides are common, always bigger than we thought, and often hard to illuminate.

Me, I don't date women with kids. Been there, done that, learned my lesson but did not get the tee shirt.

It sure is hard to find a woman without kids, if you limit your search to USA and the northern hemisphere.

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Old 11-21-2018, 08:15 PM   #18
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Re: Probably lost a friend Saturday.

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Originally Posted by In The Ten Ring View Post
Thanks guys. I shouldn't have needed any advice but I was just in shock. This guy was the most laid-back person you could imagine.

Thanks for the warning 71 although that occurred to me too.

I do not appreciate faceless accusers, anytime I phone something in I leave my name and info with it. If they decide to arrest, I will answer the call to testify.

I kept thinking "maybe I misheard him, maybe he didn't really say that." But no, he said it and he didn't seem to care. He didn't act the least bit sorry about it. I knew driving up there and beating him senseless wouldn't help, calling it in was the only thing to be done.

He's a federal worker with a security clearance....well, maybe not for long.

The CPS worker asked if he took drugs or was an alcoholic. I know he used to drink often in the past...more and more I think such a sudden character shift indicates drug/alcohol addiction.
And on the other hand, he may need a friend now more than ever.
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Old 11-21-2018, 08:30 PM   #19
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Re: Probably lost a friend Saturday.

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And on the other hand, he may need a friend now more than ever.
That's why I titled this thread "probably." Clearly the guy needs some help but I spent two hours on the phone with him and all I got was "I didn't ask for advice" and "I've made up my mind."

Frankly, I am scared to call him or his girlfriend, fearing they have already been contacted by CPS and my calling will set him off. With what happened in Colorado last week, I am scared of hearing about a "double murder/suicide" on the news.

I think I know why he's become this way, but that's no excuse for violence.
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Old 11-21-2018, 09:02 PM   #20
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Re: Probably lost a friend Saturday.

Do not misunderstand as I'm not sticking up for the guy at all here. I have never done what your friend has done but it sounds like something is really wrong. I use to only look at the obvious and my judgements were done on matters. Any more I try to put the pieces together as I don't think people are bad at heart but they get all screwed up sometimes.
You said it is not his child and conceived during a break up and then he has raised her. Now the father wants to spend time with her. You also said he used to drink a decent amount but not sure in recent years.
It would be extremely hard to ever really forgive the pregnancy and it sounds like maybe you feel the same way about her as you tried to talk him out of getting back with her. I assume he feels he has done something above the normal call and of course it has always loomed over their relationship.
Now the maternal father wants to step in and I imagine your friend is feeling really spit on. If he knows how to drink I would assume he has been a lot with these feelings of abandonment as he sees it. Especially once the booze consumption goes up.
Still no excuse for what he did at all and that is a given and it did need reported. I just try to look at all angles anymore and I agree with what another poster has already said. He may need a friend right now.
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Old 11-21-2018, 09:10 PM   #21
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Re: Probably lost a friend Saturday.

Quote:
Originally Posted by special-K View Post
I have a 40 year old son and a 38 year old daughter. They are not mine from birth, but pretty young... 3 1/2 and 1 1/2 years old. Yes you can raise someone else's kids. People do it all he time with success.
My oldest boy and I are living proof of that. He's 20, I've had him since he was 2 1/2. Just last year he told me he hopes he can be as good a dad as me.

Ten Ring, I wouldn't completely shut the door on the guy. He may need a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen. It sounds like he trusts you, don't ruin that. Be a good man and give him the chance to improve. Just don't put you or yours at risk. I know you can handle it
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Old 11-21-2018, 09:45 PM   #22
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Re: Probably lost a friend Saturday.

Red,

You don't know even half the story on this girlfriend. If you did, you'd type "I see why you advised him not to get involved with her" and then you'd walk away from your computer, shaking your head but thankful your dating choices were better.

Certainly something's happened to him, he used to do whatever the girlfriend wanted, no matter what it was, how expensive, or how asinine. She wanted it, she got it, and he paid. Good job deducing that Red.....see I think that, combined with the real father wanting in, plus the wife and child back talking him, have pushed him over the edge.

I really don't know what to do at this point. If CPS has made contact (if they make contact at all, they are not 100% and that's coming from both CPS and my prosecutor friend) and I call up there, it might trigger him. I tell you, when he was telling me things, he had ZERO emotion, like he was a machine. I honestly leave nothing out of the equation. I even told my dad "if he shows up here, do not let him in but call police and call me."

68C15,

Glad you've been a good stand-in and thanks for the vote of confidence. I cannot have kids, so I decided when I was 23 I'd adopt. My GF is in her 30's, so adoption is all we have now. *I know what you guys are thinking, "women can have kids after age 33" which they can, but the odds of a non-disjunctional error in Meiosis II go up exponentially. No thanks.

If he calls I won't refuse the call and if he asks if I reported him, I'll calmly explain why. If the threatens me, well, I'll report that too and stand ready. Hopefully CPS does investigate and can put a plan in place that will fix it all.

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Old 11-21-2018, 10:06 PM   #23
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Re: Probably lost a friend Saturday.

I'm sure glad I didn't have your attitude when I was dating my wife! She was a package deal with two little girls that needed a Dad as much as their Mom needed a Husband. I adopted them and that was 29 years ago and I have never regretted it. Together we raised 4 daughters and I am the Proudest Dad I could Be.
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Old 11-21-2018, 10:20 PM   #24
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Re: Probably lost a friend Saturday.

Quote:
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I'm sure glad I didn't have your attitude when I was dating my wife! She was a package deal with two little girls that needed a Dad as much as their Mom needed a Husband. I adopted them and that was 29 years ago and I have never regretted it. Together we raised 4 daughters and I am the Proudest Dad I could Be.
As if it was only a question of "attitude." I'm glad it's worked for you and your family but it doesn't make me any less of a person. I got jaded on the subject watching how my sister treated her 2nd. husband......it wasn't pretty and her kids didn't turn out so great.

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Old 11-21-2018, 10:34 PM   #25
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Re: Probably lost a friend Saturday.

Your in a rough position of what to do. We have all been there. Unfortunately there is often never a perfect solution.
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