Probably lost a friend Saturday.

[In The Ten Ring]

Red, thanks man.

You just never know what's really going on in someone's life. Just a month ago he and I talked on the phone, I bragged on him raising the little girl and putting up with all he did. We laughed about "how he butchered the English language" and so on. Although an American, he wasn't born or raised in this country.

The next phone call I was bawling him out and ready to strangle him through the phone.

*I need to clear a point up. I was against my friend getting involved with this girlfriend, both before she got pregnant and after. However, once they were living together and the child born, I kept my mouth shut. The girlfriend's attitude changed quite a bit, she was no longer obnoxious or drunken and she stopped smoking (as far as I could tell). She treated me with complete kindness and consideration every time I visited and I came to really like her, although I know she was involved in some activities I wouldn't put up with but I kept quiet.

When my friend called me and said "you never wanted me to date her in the first place" I said "no, I didn't, but it's too late for that now. You have a little girl that calls you 'daddy' and you cannot kick her out now."

That little girl is really doomed....if she stays she'll be with an abuser, if she goes who knows who her mom will shack up with next. Plus, abuse marks your mind, it's something you never really get over. SMH.

[richard2717]

I have to agree with Special K, Indian and others. I started dating my now wife in 95' Her son at that time was about 1.5 years old. His real father was a drunk and no good back then and it still holds true today. I always encouraged him to spend time with his real father but at 25 years old he still calls me Dad. I love him just as much as my biological daughter and hope that I helped in a positive way to make his life better than mine was.

[special-K]

People need to be careful judging the entirety from their limited sampling, as well as taking such literal stock in statistics. People have the power to create the exception. Happens all the time. Not sure statistics are kept on that.

[flashed]

I dont believe anyone ,Male or Female deserves to be hit in any way in Domestic Violence ,I grew up with an Abusive ,Alcoholic Dad .I saw him beat my Mom until I was old enough to say NO MORE . He hated me but I would not stand for it anymore , I took my share though. When he took his own life when I was 17 I was relieved to know he was out of his misery and so were we .
I had 8 part time Foster Boys(young Men now) and have a sort of Adopted Son several states away that I have not yet met that I love as if they were mine and would not change a thing . You can absolutely be a meaningful part of life to someone elses Kids . It happens all the time . I work for a small university in the Maintenance Dept and I am in contact with other peoples kids all the time ,they love me as I love them .I dont have any kids of my own but I have a LOT of kids .

[Red71gmc]

Originally Posted by In The Ten Ring

Red, thanks man.

You just never know what's really going on in someone's life. Just a month ago he and I talked on the phone, I bragged on him raising the little girl and putting up with all he did. We laughed about "how he butchered the English language" and so on. Although an American, he wasn't born or raised in this country.

The next phone call I was bawling him out and ready to strangle him through the phone.

*I need to clear a point up. I was against my friend getting involved with this girlfriend, both before she got pregnant and after. However, once they were living together and the child born, I kept my mouth shut. The girlfriend's attitude changed quite a bit, she was no longer obnoxious or drunken and she stopped smoking (as far as I could tell). She treated me with complete kindness and consideration every time I visited and I came to really like her, although I know she was involved in some activities I wouldn't put up with but I kept quiet.

When my friend called me and said "you never wanted me to date her in the first place" I said "no, I didn't, but it's too late for that now. You have a little girl that calls you 'daddy' and you cannot kick her out now."

That little girl is really doomed....if she stays she'll be with an abuser, if she goes who knows who her mom will shack up with next. Plus, abuse marks your mind, it's something you never really get over. SMH.

I had a good friend marry a gal decades ago that I thought "what is he doing"? It turned out I really liked her later as she was just playing out what she was dealt by her parents.
I think many have to find their place and independence from what they know.
After a 20 some year marriage they did divorce because old learnings have long tails.
It wasn't entirely her fault. My old friend had a bigger part to play in it as his life went a different direction.
I only see her every couple of years and I consider her one of my good friends and a person in general. Bad upbringing has very long tails for everyone.

[fine69]

Two of my four children are not biological to me. I know it can work.
I love them, they love me. ��

[In The Ten Ring]

Update: not heard a peep out of my friend since his call. I sent him two emails which he has not answered, which is very unusual for him. It's possible CPS/police have already made contact.

After reporting it my heart has been completely at ease even though I fear I will never see the child again. I had even planned to put her into my will as I have no heirs.

[jjzepplin]

I think you did the right thing. When I was 8 my mother was beating me with a lasso rope in the back yard when the cop that lived next door came over and stopped it and asked if I wanted my mom to go to jail. You don't ask an 8 year old that. He should have just done it. I wish someone would have called on my parents when I was young. They always used broom sticks and sometimes a real nice fiberglass flag pole thingy about 3/8" round. I will never lay a hand on a female or child due to this and I think at the end of the day you have to choose who you want to be and be that person no matter what. Both of my brothers are VERY different from me and my older brother fights with his wife like they are boxers. If I get in an argument I just get up and go for a walk and try to work out with myself how the heck that just happened and am I acting like my parents? I am usually the one that was the cause but sometimes it was the other person. GOOD JOB man! Someone had to do it!

[In The Ten Ring]

Originally Posted by jjzepplin

I think you did the right thing. When I was 8 my mother was beating me with a lasso rope in the back yard when the cop that lived next door came over and stopped it and asked if I wanted my mom to go to jail. You don't ask an 8 year old that. He should have just done it. I wish someone would have called on my parents when I was young. They always used broom sticks and sometimes a real nice fiberglass flag pole thingy about 3/8" round. I will never lay a hand on a female or child due to this and I think at the end of the day you have to choose who you want to be and be that person no matter what. Both of my brothers are VERY different from me and my older brother fights with his wife like they are boxers. If I get in an argument I just get up and go for a walk and try to work out with myself how the heck that just happened and am I acting like my parents? I am usually the one that was the cause but sometimes it was the other person. GOOD JOB man! Someone had to do it!

Lord! What year did this happen? Yes the officer should have just made the arrest right then. Asking the child puts the child into a position of duress at the very least.

I'm glad you've turned out better for it but that abuse never should have happened.

Thanks for the support and for telling us your story. What hell some kids have to grow up in. SMH.

[mongocanfly]

I took my share of whipping growing up...deserved every one of them...but at that age I didn't see it that way...nowadays they would have put my parents in jail...I think I turned out allright...you learn quickly the difference between right and wrong....respect and disrespect...
I think alot of the problems with kids nowadays is they don't get taught how to be grownups...tv and video games are raising the kids...they get everything they want just handed to them...which leads to a whole nuther problem...

[jjzepplin]

Originally Posted by in the ten ring

lord! What year did this happen? Yes the officer should have just made the arrest right then. Asking the child puts the child into a position of duress at the very least.

I'm glad you've turned out better for it but that abuse never should have happened.

Thanks for the support and for telling us your story. What hell some kids have to grow up in. Smh.

1978

[Red71gmc]

Originally Posted by In The Ten Ring

Update: not heard a peep out of my friend since his call. I sent him two emails which he has not answered, which is very unusual for him. It's possible CPS/police have already made contact.

After reporting it my heart has been completely at ease even though I fear I will never see the child again. I had even planned to put her into my will as I have no heirs.

Even if you don't ever see her again put her in your will anyway. No better way to tell her you always thought a lot of her. If she does go through some rough times she will know someday you cared.

[In The Ten Ring]

Great support and advice here guys, thanks.

Well the crap hit the fan yesterday. Friend calls in the morning, he's never done that before. I know something is up.

He starts off talking about the big snow storm, how much snow I've gotten, then BOOM. "Did you talk with ***** [mother of child]?"

*I had called her a few days ago, wondering if she was OK, and what was going on from her side. The things she told me were in some ways even more disturbing than what he had told me!

I'm not one to lie when asked so I said "sure did." Then he asked if I'd told anyone else.

"Only CPS." His tone changed and he quickly asked "you didn't give them my name did you?" (A rather silly question really). I said "your name, address, employer, phone number."

He started talking (babbling really) 100 miles per hour! And then he blamed me, which I did not stand for.

I explained to him how impossible of a position he had put me in and how I had a duty to report it. The subject of face slapping came up and he never denied it or attempted to lesson the severity. No "Oh I never hit her on the face, that's not so." He was quiet. In fact, I got the impression he's hit them both several times and recently.

During the call a few days ago the mother denied he'd hit the child in the face...either she doesn't know about it or is in denial herself, something battered wives/GF's do. She did say he threw tantrums, broke things, kicked their dogs.

The guy kept saying "he'd lost my trust" which I think he was trying to say "I've lost trust in you." He then told me "you'll never see the child again." To which I replied, "I knew that was a possibility but (remembering Red71gmc advice above) maybe when she grows up she'll know I did the right thing."

Going on Boog's advice on this thread, I told him "you need a friend now more than ever, I will still be your friend but I could not be complicit in abuse."

He told me never to speak with him again.....I told him "if you call me I will answer but I will not call you again."

Pray for him, the mother, the child, and for me guys. I wish I could have done something different......talked some sense into him.....perhaps not spoken with the mother but I don't think I could have done things any better.

The mother did tell me she is "scared of him" and plans to move out by the end of the month, that she has found an apartment she can afford, and is taking the child with her. I implored her to call police the moment he becomes violent, hits her, hits the child, throws the tantrums she told me he's been throwing, abuses the dogs. She may or may not as she's clearly fearful of police involvement. My suspicion is she's been defrauding Medicaid which explains why she never got a divorce from another man she was married to. (Father of child is yet another man). SMH.

[Red71gmc]

Well he called at least. I imagine he won't cause any more problems with the child now and they will leave peacefully.
Maybe in a few months it will all settle down and he will realize you didn't have a choice in what you did. Sounds like you didn't cut him off and left the door open which is a good thing for you both. Hopefully in time you will be seeing him and the girl again (not together) and it will all work out for the better.
Sounds like you are attached to the girl. I would encourage you to make connection with her in the distant future and check in. Even a five minute hello may be good for you and something she will remember. I definitely agree with the other posters. Children that aren't your own can often times mean a lot to you and you to them. It takes several adult figures to raise a well rounded child.

[special-K]

So she talked to him after you and then he called you. She still hasn't made the break (in her head). Hopefully she does as she says and moves out. That's the first step but I doubt it will be over. He will probably not let go and a restraining order will be required. Hopefully no violations on that and hopefully no worse physical abuse. I wish them the best.

[Red71gmc]

I'm hoping better Special K. I think we know the poster is a stand up guy so he doesn't have a long time friend that isn't capable of being the same. His friend screwed up big and the poster called him out with the authorities. Now it is time for reconciliation facing his friend. His friend is pissed, betrayed and full of spite. If he was once a good man he can be again.
Maybe I have to high of hopes, I wish not.
In many ways your right Special K and I wish not to ever belittle that as we all have these experiences with someone we know. I just want better this time.

[special-K]

I'm sure we all do.

[In The Ten Ring]

I've been thinking and I've realized something. No matter what, I won't see that child again, not while she's a child.

If the couple stays together, the x-friend won't allow me back into their lives. Few people can admit a mistake and even fewer can understand why their secrets had to be reported.

If the couple splits, the mother will shack up with the first guy that comes along and will take her in. Although this woman wouldn't get a second glance from me as "dating material" I expect the sort of guy that will want her will not want another man in her life, even if that other man is only there to take the child skiing. The new guy will assume my friendship with the child is a threat to him. I won't be "uncle" in his mind.

Still, my call had to be made. When a person says "I hit them and I don't know why I do that." That's a sign of a serious mental problem. Hopefully my call had some positive impact.

[Steeveedee]

Originally Posted by In The Ten Ring

I've been thinking and I've realized something. No matter what, I won't see that child again, not while she's a child.

If the couple stays together, the x-friend won't allow me back into their lives. Few people can admit a mistake and even fewer can understand why their secrets had to be reported.

If the couple splits, the mother will shack up with the first guy that comes along and will take her in. Although this woman wouldn't get a second glance from me as "dating material" I expect the sort of guy that will want her will not want another man in her life, even if that other man is only there to take the child skiing. The new guy will assume my friendship with the child is a threat to him. I won't be "uncle" in his mind.

Still, my call had to be made. When a person says "I hit them and I don't know why I do that." That's a sign of a serious mental problem. Hopefully my call had some positive impact.

Danged if you do...etc. But I think that you made the right call, so good on you for doing it. Your ex-friend deep down probably knows it, too. Sad how people can be to each other.