Re: Joke Thread
 

Great stuff so far. Richard's is the best, if you ask me. Go figure
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This drunk is broke and wants a beer, so he staggers into a bar. He tells the bartender "Ef you gib me ona dem darts an pudda dollar on the wawl I'll pudda dart in George's eye"

The bartender figures what the heck. The night's slow and this could be fun. He pins a dollar on the wall, gives the drunk a dart, the drunk tosses the dollar and the dart sticks in George's eye.

Amazed, the bartender gives the drunk his beer, tells him drink up and get out of here, then says he won the prize, and hands him a turtle he found behind the bar. The drunk staggers off with his turtle.

The next night, same thing except it's a different bartender. The drunk offers the same deal, the bartender goes for it, dart in eye, he hands the beer and says get lost when he's done. The drunk says "The other bartender gave me a prize" and the bartender asks what the prize was. The drunk answers "A rare roast beef on a hard roll"

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A guy goes into a lawyer’s office and asks the lawyer: “Excuse me, how much do you charge?”
The lawyer responds: “I charge $1,000 to answer three questions.”
“Wow, that’s really expensive isn’t it?”
“Yes. What’s your third question?”

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Ever wonder why when geese fly in a "V" one side is longer than the other?






Its because one side has more geese.










.

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Tom Brady was working out in a public park and was asked to leave due to social distancing.

He left quietly but when the officers returned to their car all the tires were flat.

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I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

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My grandfather died because the doctors didn't know his blood type.

But he was cheerful to the end. His last words to me were "Be Positive!"

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I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad. The fly didn’t stand a chance.

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Try crumpling up an iPad and starting a fire with it :lol:

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What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?


Same middle name.

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Speaking of the silly old bear....
Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh

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Guy goes to a costume party wearing just a red polo shirt. They threw him out, guess dressing like Winnie the Pooh is offensive to some

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A cement mixer and a prison bus crashed on the highway. Police advise citizens to look out for a group of hardened criminals.

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My wife came home from shopping and tried on her new jeans.
She slowly turned around in front of me and asked- Do you think these make my Butt look Fat?

I shrugged my shoulders and said No Not Really but I don' think that bowl of Ice Cream every Night is doing you any Good!

Then the fight started

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Germans now?

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Two rules for success:

1. Never reveal everything that you know.

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Two gold fish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says, “You know how to drive this thing?!”

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I worked with a design engineer many years ago, who, when asked why a modification had to be made to a structure, said, "You always leave something off the drawing, for job security!".
I worked as a designer for many years. You don't purposely leave something off a design drawing, as there are always enough pitfalls without designing in your own. Had I been in a position of higher authority, I'd have had him fired, because what he did was basically sabotage.

OK, that's no joke. Back on track! A termite walks into a saloon, and inquires, "Say, where is the bartender?"

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Thank You.

How did the Rooster cross the Road?

He Walked.











.

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A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "Shhh! They're right behind you!"

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George Clooney, Leonardo Dicaprio and Matthew Mcconaughey got together to make a movie...


George Clooney said, "I'll direct."

Dicaprio said, "I'll produce."

And Matthew McConaughey said, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."

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Did you hear about the auto body shop that just opened? It comes highly wreck-a-mended.

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Easier to light a fire with an iPad. A Lithium ion battery when punctured catch fire very quickly .

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Well, that's a good point. Plus, there's one less iPad in the world :devil:

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I'm laughing ova heeya! This ipad humas rich I tell ya!! Burning up awredi.Is that what happened to the hair on the side between the beard and top knot? :lol:

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My doctor told me I have an unhealthy obsession with iPads.
So he gave me some tablets.