Joke Thread

[LockDoc]

Originally Posted by richard2717

Dang Leon don't scare me like that. Got this email notification and 1st thought was somebody posted something wrong and you were closing the thread

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Just trying to keep you on your toes Richard...... and clean...

LockDoc

[richard2717]

walk

[richard2717]

ng.

[richard2717]

14.

[richard2717]

Buddy & Mick worked together and were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.
When asked his occupation, Buddy answered, "Panty Stitcher.
I sew da elastic onto ladies cotton panties and thongs."
The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and finding it classified as unskilled labor, he gave him $80.00 a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next in, and when asked his occupation, replied, "Diesel Fitter."
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160.00 a week.
When Buddy found out, he was furious.
He stormed back into the Unemployment Office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his unemployment pay.
The clerk explained, "Panty Stitchers are unskilled laborers, and Diesel Fitters are skilled laborers."
“What skill?” yelled Buddy.
"I sew da elastic on da panties and thongs;
Mick puts 'em over his head and says:
"Yep, diesel fitter."

[Ol Blue K20]

Originally Posted by richard2717

Buddy & Mick worked together and were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.
When asked his occupation, Buddy answered, "Panty Stitcher.
I sew da elastic onto ladies cotton panties and thongs."
The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and finding it classified as unskilled labor, he gave him $80.00 a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next in, and when asked his occupation, replied, "Diesel Fitter."
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160.00 a week.
When Buddy found out, he was furious.
He stormed back into the Unemployment Office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his unemployment pay.
The clerk explained, "Panty Stitchers are unskilled laborers, and Diesel Fitters are skilled laborers."
“What skill?” yelled Buddy.
"I sew da elastic on da panties and thongs;
Mick puts 'em over his head and says:
"Yep, diesel fitter."

[richard2717]

strap

[Getter-Done]

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[richard2717]

HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant thereof. One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we must know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Michelle during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Michelle kept shouting----------
"OH MY GOD."

[Getter-Done]

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[richard2717]

can't fix stupid...

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[SCOTI]

Originally Posted by richard2717

can't fix stupid...

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We had that happen not to long ago here in the DFW area. Someone was pulling someone else on a bike on the highway & something went very wrong. Killed the rider.

[truckster]

Originally Posted by richard2717

can't fix stupid...

I'm just surprised that Darwin let them get that far.

[Boog]

Old Bern spotted everywhere.

[Steeveedee]

Two young men are walking through a cemetery when they hear cries of anguish coming from a nearby grave.

They approach and see a man kneeling before a grave, tears streaming from his eyes.

"Why did you have to die?", asks the man, "It's been terrible without you! My life has been miserable. Sometimes I wish I was dead, too!"

One of the young men approaches and asks, "Are you okay, sir? Whose grave is that?"

"My wife's first husband!" The man cries out in anguish.

[Palf70Step]

[richard2717]

I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen... I can feel it.

[72 tigger]

Making good use of the snow

[72 tigger]

More snow

[1976gmc20]

Originally Posted by 72 tigger

Making good use of the snow

So fa, so good

[LockDoc]

Originally Posted by 72 tigger

Making good use of the snow

Sofa Surfing...

LockDoc

[richard2717]

Finally got a bucket seat that is comfortable

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[richard2717]

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy.

[68bowtie]

Haha! That’s a nice tip.

[GOPAPA]

Good ol Frank
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."